Brigand theory

[Dave Paprocki]

A theory based on the fact that sick days should always be spent at school and not at home where they will only be wasted.
The reason being that if you are sick, you should go to school, because not only will you be spreading disease to all those evil bastards you put up with every day, but you wont be counted [absent]. Also, why stay at home if the only thing youll be doing is blowing snot into a tissue? The only reason anyone should ever stay home from school is if they plan to do something [worthwhile], like [experimenting] with liquor or weed.
Some say Well, when Im sick all I feel like doing is sleeping. Sleep at school. Once you find the perfect position, those desks arent nearly as uncomfortable.
[Brigand] is the french word for [bandit]. Its deemed the Brigand Theory because youre stealing the health of all your classmates and teachers.